The Price I Paid

Two years to the day of that near-fatal mistake and in the light of recent events, I realize that now is the best time to take stock of the relationships I have had since I landed here in August 2008.  Coming here, I thought that making friends would be easy and I would have a diverse set of friends in no time.  Nearly three years later, the people I have met and have considered as friends, at least to some extent, have a) left the country for various reasons, b) done some unacceptable things over a period of time that it was best to just drop them and c) continued to be my friends in a not-so-involved level.  Those who have remained all happen to be fellow Pinoys who I live or have lived with.  The other two are both my friends since college days.  Perhaps their constant presence is the primary reason why I continue to survive.  I found comfort in the fact that somebody will always be there to hear me out no matter what mood I am in.  They serve as my surrogate family, stepping into the shoes of real family members who sometimes forget - asking me how I am, if I have eaten, giving me advice and alcohol relief when the going gets tough, etc. - things I will be forever grateful for.  This kind of constancy, sadly, is sorely lacking in the other relationships.  Maybe it's the transient nature of the country, or maybe it's the culture they grew up with, I am not sure.  All I know is that I either become distant or I make an effort which, in their view is just a bit too much.  Just where does one draw the line?


I think I will be kinder to myself from now on.  Today, I am resigning to the fact that there will be no room for deep connections in a place like this.  People will come and go and I can no longer look beyond each moment that I share with the people who I am with.  There won't be any more effort to try and get to know people in a deeper level.  No more thoughtful gestures except for the people who really matter.  I will only give back what is given to me, however difficult it may be for me who derives happiness in going the extra mile for somebody.  The real Roma will only be revealed to those who will display true commitment.  I have had enough of wearing my heart on my sleeve.  The barriers are now up.  Two years ago, I honestly thought that someone finally understood me and got my back.  Unfortunately, I was not up to his standards and so it was very convenient for him to drop me again, and again, and again.  The same situation would happen with someone else later on.  Estoy muy cansada.  No mas.


Sadly, it seems that missing the company of true friends is the highest price I paid for leaving the motherland.  Until I come home, everyone else will just be fellow travellers joining me till the next crossroad.  Until I come home, I will never be fully able to be myself.  For now, this is the only way I can think of to survive the harsh reality of living a strange life in a strange land.

A Breath of Fresh Air

My relationship with boys is always hit-and-miss. There have been jerks, yes, but I have also found gems. I find that boys make good (if not sometimes better) friends than girls. They listen to you sans the drama and can be very brutally frank. You can ask them to drive you around, treat you to dinner, etc. They are fun to have around and may sometimes treat you roughly like you were one of his crew. But when you cry or feel down, they will do everything in their power to cheer you up. This entry is dedicated to my unexpected "heroes" who have been a constant presence in my oftentimes chaotic life in Dubai. *Names were changed to protect the privacy of the individual.

Meet Nate. The boy who always greets me when he passes by reception. The boy who would not let a moment pass without making his observations known. "You look nice, Roma." "Smile, Roma. What's wrong?" "You're wearing your hair up today, Roma." The boy who likes to learn a Filipino word or two and would surprise me by getting the accent spot on. The boy who likes to say "Kumusta ka?" when he calls. The boy who enjoys eating Piattos, Tortillos, Skyflakes and even pancit. I call him pseudo-Filipino. The boy who likes to feel like he is my protective older brother when in fact he can be considered my little brother. Once, when he learned that I was going out with a guy I hardly knew, he said "Call me if he's a bad man. I will come and save you." "You should always tell someone where you are, who you're going out with, what time you're supposed to be back, etc." Geez!

Meet Spartacus. Married to one of my closest friends. Has a naughty mind that only gets challenged further when I am with them. Every scene we watch gets attacked by his twisted humor. At times, we would even say the same thing. We like to annotate each scene and would dissolve in laughter after giving the most innocent dialogue the dirtiest meaning. He does not have qualms posing for the camera and I have no qualms ordering him around. The result? The silliest pics in the world! The man who can easily beat me when it comes to talking. The man whose idea of happiness is drinking Red Horse while strumming his guitar, or sitting down and having the most passionate of arguments. The man who would willingly answer my questions about hmmm... and share his stash of hmmm videos for the purpose of educating me and getting me out of the rut I was in (a twisted form of therapy don't you think, a therapy that only rivals that of my brother...bwahaha!). The man who willingly shared series after series, movie after movie because he did not want me to stay alone in my room crying like crazy.

Meet Chuck, the chill out dude. Nothing fazes him and just welcomes everything with a smile. Likes to ask how I am, writes me long emails and has the patience to read my even longer replies. Is very open-minded about other cultures. Thinks there is nothing wrong with watching a movie alone. Cool about everything - from asking him to have coffee with me, planning to help me finish my booze stash, have dinner and even watch a movie. Also cool about giving a hug and receiving a buss on the cheek. Likes to put Xs on his messages and I do the same because it's not a big deal. Other guys would have probably thought I was into them or something. Today, I was taken aback when he said that since he will be free the whole week, we should have dinner and I have to explain the Filipino words in Facebook. Drives a hard bargain too - he will haul my boxes up for me if I give him a taste of Filipino food. I have already agreed to his terms and in turn, he has promised to let me have a sample of proper British food.

The common denominator among these three? They are all committed to the women they love. What I appreciate the most though is that they are able to carry on with having female friends. I think life is telling me that not everyone is like the jerks I have known previously and that I just have to open myself to the possibility of enjoying the company of people - single or married. Having these three around is indeed a refreshing change and thanks to them, I am starting to have faith in people again.