The Price I Paid

Two years to the day of that near-fatal mistake and in the light of recent events, I realize that now is the best time to take stock of the relationships I have had since I landed here in August 2008.  Coming here, I thought that making friends would be easy and I would have a diverse set of friends in no time.  Nearly three years later, the people I have met and have considered as friends, at least to some extent, have a) left the country for various reasons, b) done some unacceptable things over a period of time that it was best to just drop them and c) continued to be my friends in a not-so-involved level.  Those who have remained all happen to be fellow Pinoys who I live or have lived with.  The other two are both my friends since college days.  Perhaps their constant presence is the primary reason why I continue to survive.  I found comfort in the fact that somebody will always be there to hear me out no matter what mood I am in.  They serve as my surrogate family, stepping into the shoes of real family members who sometimes forget - asking me how I am, if I have eaten, giving me advice and alcohol relief when the going gets tough, etc. - things I will be forever grateful for.  This kind of constancy, sadly, is sorely lacking in the other relationships.  Maybe it's the transient nature of the country, or maybe it's the culture they grew up with, I am not sure.  All I know is that I either become distant or I make an effort which, in their view is just a bit too much.  Just where does one draw the line?


I think I will be kinder to myself from now on.  Today, I am resigning to the fact that there will be no room for deep connections in a place like this.  People will come and go and I can no longer look beyond each moment that I share with the people who I am with.  There won't be any more effort to try and get to know people in a deeper level.  No more thoughtful gestures except for the people who really matter.  I will only give back what is given to me, however difficult it may be for me who derives happiness in going the extra mile for somebody.  The real Roma will only be revealed to those who will display true commitment.  I have had enough of wearing my heart on my sleeve.  The barriers are now up.  Two years ago, I honestly thought that someone finally understood me and got my back.  Unfortunately, I was not up to his standards and so it was very convenient for him to drop me again, and again, and again.  The same situation would happen with someone else later on.  Estoy muy cansada.  No mas.


Sadly, it seems that missing the company of true friends is the highest price I paid for leaving the motherland.  Until I come home, everyone else will just be fellow travellers joining me till the next crossroad.  Until I come home, I will never be fully able to be myself.  For now, this is the only way I can think of to survive the harsh reality of living a strange life in a strange land.