The Price I Paid

Two years to the day of that near-fatal mistake and in the light of recent events, I realize that now is the best time to take stock of the relationships I have had since I landed here in August 2008.  Coming here, I thought that making friends would be easy and I would have a diverse set of friends in no time.  Nearly three years later, the people I have met and have considered as friends, at least to some extent, have a) left the country for various reasons, b) done some unacceptable things over a period of time that it was best to just drop them and c) continued to be my friends in a not-so-involved level.  Those who have remained all happen to be fellow Pinoys who I live or have lived with.  The other two are both my friends since college days.  Perhaps their constant presence is the primary reason why I continue to survive.  I found comfort in the fact that somebody will always be there to hear me out no matter what mood I am in.  They serve as my surrogate family, stepping into the shoes of real family members who sometimes forget - asking me how I am, if I have eaten, giving me advice and alcohol relief when the going gets tough, etc. - things I will be forever grateful for.  This kind of constancy, sadly, is sorely lacking in the other relationships.  Maybe it's the transient nature of the country, or maybe it's the culture they grew up with, I am not sure.  All I know is that I either become distant or I make an effort which, in their view is just a bit too much.  Just where does one draw the line?


I think I will be kinder to myself from now on.  Today, I am resigning to the fact that there will be no room for deep connections in a place like this.  People will come and go and I can no longer look beyond each moment that I share with the people who I am with.  There won't be any more effort to try and get to know people in a deeper level.  No more thoughtful gestures except for the people who really matter.  I will only give back what is given to me, however difficult it may be for me who derives happiness in going the extra mile for somebody.  The real Roma will only be revealed to those who will display true commitment.  I have had enough of wearing my heart on my sleeve.  The barriers are now up.  Two years ago, I honestly thought that someone finally understood me and got my back.  Unfortunately, I was not up to his standards and so it was very convenient for him to drop me again, and again, and again.  The same situation would happen with someone else later on.  Estoy muy cansada.  No mas.


Sadly, it seems that missing the company of true friends is the highest price I paid for leaving the motherland.  Until I come home, everyone else will just be fellow travellers joining me till the next crossroad.  Until I come home, I will never be fully able to be myself.  For now, this is the only way I can think of to survive the harsh reality of living a strange life in a strange land.

The Holy Week That Was...

For Christians all over the world, Easter marks the culmination of the whole Lenten season. To many, it also marks the end of a 40-day long sacrifice. I can proudly say that this year may be my best ever yet, in terms of sacrifice.  For this Lenten season, I have decided to give up alcohol.  Now, this is not to say that I am an alcoholic.  I do enjoy social drinking, just that it happens almost every week, thanks to my flatmates who seem to share the passion for this type of activity.  I cannot stress how hard it is to resist on several occasions - Stranger in town for a visit, a flatmate's birthday celebration that started at home and ended in the neighboring Pinoy bar, coming home and spending 2 weekends there, visiting a happening place like Singapore and the team dinner at Media Rotana on Maundy Thursday.  There was only one day that I faltered, and perhaps God will understand and make an exception - the toast at my childhood bestfriend's wedding.  As a result, I have had to content myself with drinking water and cola while the rest drank beer and tequila.  Last Thursday, the cranberry vodka just became a cranberry cooler - cranberry juice mixed with a bit of Sprite.  The plan to do something unique, that is, visiting a gay bar in Singapore had to be scrapped because my friend was also giving up alcohol for Lent.

Last week, I decided to level up by foregoing meat for the rest of the Holy Week.  The first day also saw me giving up rice for a day and I must say that drove me nearly mad.  I joked that I would be one cranky woman by the end of the week!  Surprisingly, it wasn't so bad as I pictured it to be.  I was forced to turn to fruits and veggies for sustenance and even managed to experiment with some salmon recipes in the process.  I ate less amounts of rice and calmed down when I realized that I can still have pasta and bread for my carbs.

My last challenge was also the hardest.  I decided to try my hand at fasting - restricting myself to just one meal for the whole day.  With only mushroom soup, spanish sardines pasta, fruit juice, a bowl of grapes and lots of resolve to last the whole day, I tried my best to enjoy my Friday.  I swam, spent some time in the sauna and even managed to clean the flat's common areas by myself (my cleaning partner was a no-show).  At some point, I even thought of food blogging but decided against it.  I just ended up watching Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations episode on Singapore.  Well if I can't eat food, I might as well just watch it! :)  Towards the end, both me and my stomach were grumbling.  Good thing my friend put things in perspective:  "Just pray for the people who have to face hunger everyday."  Soon enough, midnight came.  I survived!!!  To break the fast, I ate some leftover shrimp and egg salad with some Arabic flat bread.  They tasted like heaven to one hungry woman! :)

I may not have lost weight from the experiment but there is a sense of satisfaction for having completed these challenges.  I realize that I have been lax with myself for the longest time, often choosing what is convenient over what would be good for me, both in terms of food and relationships.  I do not have to take whatever or whoever is there just because they are there.  I have become too focused with goals that may take months or even years to realize, forgetting that I can also set small ones, enjoy the little rewards and use them to fuel the bigger goals.  I am thankful for Lek and the brief stay in Singapore - both happened at a time when I thought things were falling apart.  Now it turns out that the trip was my saving grace - it filled my tummy with good food and my head with new inspiration.  It also served to cushion me from the ensuing events.  I am not too bothered anymore with what happens because a)  if things took a turn for the worse, that means I am off to my next adventure somewhere else or b) if things start falling into place then it means I will stay here for a longer period of time.  I am thankful for the opportunity to gain a better perspective of things.  It is really true that in giving up, you are also gaining something.  I am finding myself yet again.  Hooray for new beginnings!  Happy Easter! :)

Duh!

Sometimes you just get the weirdest call...

Roma:  Good morning Turner & Townsend!
Caller:  So your office is open, huh?
Roma:  I'm sorry?  (Did I hear the question right?  I am slightly annoyed.)
Caller:  Your office is open today?
Roma:  Obviously, you are talking to someone - so yes! (Insert visibly annoyed tone here.  Almost tempted to say, "This is an answering machine.  Please leave a message after the tone.  Toooooooooooooooootttttttttt!)

I suppose it was time for my daily dose of stupid morning caller.  Grrr... (Insert eyeroll here.)