Just So You Know...

Dear Stranger,


Some 18 weeks ago, I wrote this in my status: My heart will eventually grow tired of missing you. 18 weeks later, my heart does not seem to show any signs of exhaustion. Allow me to share with you the stuff I've been meaning to tell you since we told each other off on the last day of January.
 

I wanted to greet you on your birthday but thought it a waste of time since you never bothered to greet me on mine.

I wanted to tell you how moving out and living on my own was both a dream and a nightmare.

I wanted to tell you how I hated having to do my laundry (surprise! surprise!) only because I had to use a knife to open the washing machine door.

I wanted to tell you that I now know how to clean a squid and even learned how to clean the bathroom, toilet and all.

I wanted to tell you how embarrassed I was to learn that there was a Muslim in the flat, and I learned that while I was cooking pork adobo.

I wanted to tell you about the numerous cooking experiments I did, from the ones that turned out great to even the ones that were hardly edible.

I wanted to tell you that I still watch American Idol every Thursday and Friday night and I remember you telling me that the show was rubbish.

I wanted to tell you the latest happenings at work - particularly about someone who left the company on allegations of fraud - a bit sad really cos he helped a lot of people, including you.

I wanted to tell you that someone is giving me grief at work and how I wished you were there to cheer me up. Everyone who knows the story try their best to make me smile. They promise me that everything will turn out fine. Somehow, I don't believe them as much as I do when it comes from you.

I wanted to tell you that the office is moving to a new location and that we are busy cleaning up everyone's mess. I saw the note on your old desk. I saw my handwriting on a note which says this SIM card used to belong to you.

I wanted to tell you that I am moving to a place closer to the new office as well. After 3 months in my own room & bath, I'm going back to sharing, but only because I might get sent to site in one of the projects in Abu Dhabi.

I wanted to tell you that I'm working part-time as Maha's document controller. I know you will laugh because it just goes to how she does really like me and for the nth time, I don't know why.

I wanted to tell you that our common friends have been asking me about you. I just tell them I haven't been talking to you for months now (because I chose to and you must have probably come to your senses too). It's sad that they think we are really good friends because you yourself dont see it that way. I just dont know what to tell them if they ask why we are not friends in Facebook. If you have an answer, let me know.

I wanted to tell you that the last two months have been tough for my heart and for my sanity. More than not being able to talk to you, it hurt that you threw all my efforts to show you how this friendship meant to me out the window. I am reminded why I have built walls and took pains selecting my friends carefully - because I want to spare myself the pain of having to lose them.

I wanted to tell you that I still miss you everyday and I wish I can still tell you random stuff like I used to because I found comfort in sharing these things even though you think they're just nonsense.

I wanted to tell you that at night, when I really feel sad, I hug my pillows tight and think of the times when I could still hug you, say, "Make space for me, old bear!" and say good night.

I wanted to tell you that even though you've said several times that there will be better sounding boards etc, I was not looking for better. You were serving your purpose and that was enough. It is totally a different matter though when it comes to love as I am in agreement that yes, I do deserve someone better.

I wanted to tell you that I have already accepted that your healing time with me is done. You have stretched me in more ways than you could ever imagine. Now it's time to look for someone else to heal the scars that you have left.

I wanted to tell you that I accept things for what they were and there could be nothing more (you liked to asked that question before). I have envisioned from the very start that someday things will change between us but never in my wildest imagination did I think that you would throw the friendship just like that.

I wanted to tell you that it's been a year since we first kissed. I still remember cos it felt like I was jumping off a cliff with you every single time. It will take a while before I do such a crazy thing again. I decided to jump then just to see how it feels like to free fall. The next time I jump, it will be one with purpose - it will not merely be a game but a decision to fully commit to jumping with the person, possibly for the rest of my life.

I wanted to tell you that I understand that I was the easier one to give up but I want you to know that though you might think this is the best way to shield me from more pain, it still hurts...a lot.

I know you might not appreciate my sharing all these to you, dear stranger. I am telling you these because I want to as I am no longer bound to listen to you say no. I am happy for the space but I am also sad because I lost a very dear friend. I hope the time comes when I will no longer have to grieve for this loss. I hope it comes really soon but in the meantime, my heart will continue to miss my makulit bear.