It is finished. Allow me to use one of the Seven Last Words as a jump-off point for my blog entry today. After my self-imposed two-month no communication with someone, I think I have now finally come to terms with the fact that we have reached the inevitable end. Taking one last look at the empty profile (this person has practically hidden everything from me - find someone else to stalk, he said), I say goodbye and with one click, he was officially gone from my Facebook list of friends.
It was not always like this. There have been countless "goodbyes" in the past. I never understood why he wanted to stop the friendship altogether. It upset me so much that I ended up dissolving in tears most of the time. Then the goodbyes were disguised into "the need to step back", "we will still talk but not as much" and "it's not that I don't want to be friends with you but I just can't". Yet after each agreement to set a considerable amount of distance, everything went back to where it once was. Unfortunately, the circumstances only served to bring us together. With each trial that came, each one was there for the other, offering comfort even though sometimes it was not even physically possible. Perhaps, remaining in contact served as an escape from reality. The conversations served to retain a sense of normalcy in an otherwise chaotic existence. In the real world, we both had our demons to face - work and the lack of it, stress around the home, etc. In the virtual world of text and online chats however, we could revert to our crazy, annoying and yes, our flirty selves and derive simple pleasure from random conversations and cheeky banter.
Perhaps it was a mistake for me to think his constant presence was commitment - that we were eye to eye in valuing the friendship that we had. Perhaps it was naive of me to trust that he would be able to separate the Roma who played along with his game in the past and the Roma who was genuinely a friend to him. I thought it was enough that I stood by him even though he had repeatedly treated me badly. I looked at him with love and compassion. He looked at me with lust (or at least that was what he was trying to project).
And so after seeing him for the last time on New Year's Eve, he said goodbye. I said until then. Since it was the New Year, it was high time that we finally keep our promises and that to me meant keeping my silence and not keeping in touch. Lo and behold, he started communicating again, days after saying goodbye. I thought it was okay to revert to old ways and make him my sounding board again. I told him how sad I was that another batch of people from work whom I've considered my friends already were leaving work. I might as well have been talking to a totally different person. Suddenly, I was being called obsessive, pathetic and having a thick skull for I allegedly could not get the idea that he does not want to be my friend anymore. He told me to take a long hard look at myself in the mirror. All I saw was him. For every accusation that he hurled at me , I saw him doing the exact same thing. Why then must I take the sole blame for everything?
It was then that I realized that nothing was ever going to change if I let this person remain in my life. He was simply too proud to acknowledge responsibility for what had happened, too proud to admit that he needed help in staying away from me, too proud to admit that the game he initially sought out to play turned out to be anything but. I needed to get out to finally protect myself from all the hurt that he has caused and could still possibly cause. I have told him before that I will remain his friend for as long as he wants me to. The fact that he finally said it and that he asked why I consider the people I work with as friends when they were only workmates were the last straws. Thus began the real journey to goodbye.
I read in a book that 60 days is enough time for someone to decide whether it was still worth talking to the estranged person. I figured it was worth a try. If he can't cut ties with me, then I will, if only for my sanity. I wanted to make sure that I was finally okay to do it, sans tears.
The next 60 days were tough - I was battling with disillusionment, betrayal and sadness. I could not believe that someone you cared for deeply would say those things. These feelings would hit me like a traitor and I ended up crying at odd times. My friends could only watch in helplessness. They knew I only cried when I was angry or sad. This time it was both. I lost a friend after all and it was never easy for someone like me. I needed space to grieve and thus shut myself from the world.
I still miss him but I only need to recall the words that he said to make those thoughts of reconnecting vanish. It will be a long time before I can say that I have completely healed from this experience. They say the first step is always the hardest to make. I am glad to have finally made mine and I hope that this will be the start of better things to come. In death lies the hope of rising again. My redemption will soon come, I just know it. It was a good Friday indeed.
It was not always like this. There have been countless "goodbyes" in the past. I never understood why he wanted to stop the friendship altogether. It upset me so much that I ended up dissolving in tears most of the time. Then the goodbyes were disguised into "the need to step back", "we will still talk but not as much" and "it's not that I don't want to be friends with you but I just can't". Yet after each agreement to set a considerable amount of distance, everything went back to where it once was. Unfortunately, the circumstances only served to bring us together. With each trial that came, each one was there for the other, offering comfort even though sometimes it was not even physically possible. Perhaps, remaining in contact served as an escape from reality. The conversations served to retain a sense of normalcy in an otherwise chaotic existence. In the real world, we both had our demons to face - work and the lack of it, stress around the home, etc. In the virtual world of text and online chats however, we could revert to our crazy, annoying and yes, our flirty selves and derive simple pleasure from random conversations and cheeky banter.
Perhaps it was a mistake for me to think his constant presence was commitment - that we were eye to eye in valuing the friendship that we had. Perhaps it was naive of me to trust that he would be able to separate the Roma who played along with his game in the past and the Roma who was genuinely a friend to him. I thought it was enough that I stood by him even though he had repeatedly treated me badly. I looked at him with love and compassion. He looked at me with lust (or at least that was what he was trying to project).
And so after seeing him for the last time on New Year's Eve, he said goodbye. I said until then. Since it was the New Year, it was high time that we finally keep our promises and that to me meant keeping my silence and not keeping in touch. Lo and behold, he started communicating again, days after saying goodbye. I thought it was okay to revert to old ways and make him my sounding board again. I told him how sad I was that another batch of people from work whom I've considered my friends already were leaving work. I might as well have been talking to a totally different person. Suddenly, I was being called obsessive, pathetic and having a thick skull for I allegedly could not get the idea that he does not want to be my friend anymore. He told me to take a long hard look at myself in the mirror. All I saw was him. For every accusation that he hurled at me , I saw him doing the exact same thing. Why then must I take the sole blame for everything?
It was then that I realized that nothing was ever going to change if I let this person remain in my life. He was simply too proud to acknowledge responsibility for what had happened, too proud to admit that he needed help in staying away from me, too proud to admit that the game he initially sought out to play turned out to be anything but. I needed to get out to finally protect myself from all the hurt that he has caused and could still possibly cause. I have told him before that I will remain his friend for as long as he wants me to. The fact that he finally said it and that he asked why I consider the people I work with as friends when they were only workmates were the last straws. Thus began the real journey to goodbye.
I read in a book that 60 days is enough time for someone to decide whether it was still worth talking to the estranged person. I figured it was worth a try. If he can't cut ties with me, then I will, if only for my sanity. I wanted to make sure that I was finally okay to do it, sans tears.
The next 60 days were tough - I was battling with disillusionment, betrayal and sadness. I could not believe that someone you cared for deeply would say those things. These feelings would hit me like a traitor and I ended up crying at odd times. My friends could only watch in helplessness. They knew I only cried when I was angry or sad. This time it was both. I lost a friend after all and it was never easy for someone like me. I needed space to grieve and thus shut myself from the world.
I still miss him but I only need to recall the words that he said to make those thoughts of reconnecting vanish. It will be a long time before I can say that I have completely healed from this experience. They say the first step is always the hardest to make. I am glad to have finally made mine and I hope that this will be the start of better things to come. In death lies the hope of rising again. My redemption will soon come, I just know it. It was a good Friday indeed.
