Slipping

Just when I thought I finally found the strength to put everything behind me, I stumble yet again.

I have failed miserably.

I am disappointed with myself.

I must be punished for not sticking to my promise.

Yet I feel grateful in a twisted sort of way. Today the doors of communication opened just enough for me to have the opportunity to throw back the words he said to me.

I am too honest for my own good. Is that something I also need to apologize for?

I only had the truth to answer for his "sarcasm". Once again, he did not believe them. Or was he just fishing and using my answers to stroke his ego again? Is this another trap that I led myself into?

I feel like gagging. My chest tightens at the thought of what I had just done.

I wish somebody would intervene and pull me out of this rut. Taking the first step must have taken all my strength already. Maybe if someone would just continuously talk and spend time with me, I may not have to think about the void that he chose to leave. I already tried seeking solace in solitude. I cannot go on like that forever because I like connecting with people.

I am scared, really scared.

I hope today will be the last time.

I hope I can forgive myself for what happened today.

I hope that tomorrow when I wake up, I will not have to silence my mouth, mind and heart.